Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
what kind of cook setting is this??
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.