Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Meth is short for Elizameth.