When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“what that mouth do?” complain
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship