Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Who chose this font
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks