6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.