Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Hello Twits.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros