My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
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“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
(2022)
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.