beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.