Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO