Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Always 🥴
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed