[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You Might Also Like
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
“I wouldn’t.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.