me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
You Might Also Like
i actually laughed 😩
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Seems a bit forward
Unsolicited sandwich pics.