Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did