An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us