Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button