I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
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I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Beards are a privilege, not a right