My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline