Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*