ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.