I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.