My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
What my back needs
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath