Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
get you a girl who
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
so weird how every mom was born today