“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”