I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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me hooking up with my ex
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.