Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.