Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I never needed anything more in my life
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.