dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.