I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics