Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Education is vital
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Expect the unexporcupine.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?