You Might Also Like
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
A flock of dads is called a grill.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Wednesday
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.