“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
this article brought to you by lions
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot