It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Fluff me with a fork baby
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business