Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Thanks to a fan for this one.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series