Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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*sewing*
A thread
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.