I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.