*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
BETRAYAL
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
my first dose meeting my second
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Name this drama.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.