If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My life in a nutshell
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I love twitter
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Breaking news:
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.