“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
You Might Also Like
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”