[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing