Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I think I’m having a stroke
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.