If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Need WebMD
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.