Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us