If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
You Might Also Like
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
How your email finds me
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago