The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.