That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
remember
only for emergencies
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic