“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
This is I, Robot all over again
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming