acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
You Might Also Like
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge