Don’t tell me what to do
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Danger is very dangerous
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’