My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Every work call, he judges.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.