Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
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Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground